Oh, hey, didn't see you there! My name is Brian, and you may know me from such popular films as my dating video, or that news report I was in the background of. Do you have a thing for poor guys? Do guys with hat hair turn you on? Tired of feeling like your boyfriend is too good for you? Well, I have a solution for you! I'm here today to tell you a little something about what I like to , Going on a date with me.
You know, over the years I've tried many different ways of picking up women:
Wearing a shirt that says, GIRLFRIEND WANTED: APPLY HERE
Crushing on them for months but never saying anything to them
Telling sexually suggestive limericks to the women in my workplace
Rear ending them when they're driving (You get their contact info EVERY TIME with this method)
Going door to door posing as a banana salesman
Now that my car insurance is $ eight times....
Telekinesis: Can make hot women walk away just by looking at them!
Super Intuition: This one time, I had the insight to finally move out of his parent's house - two weeks before I lost my job!
Super Mayonnaise Powers: Don't ask.
Added Bonus: A sidekick! He doesn't have any powers, but he follows me around and wears these fancy scarves....
My ideal first date would be: We get beamed up to the mothership and make awkward small talk. We take a shuttlecraft out for a day trip. We pass a black hole and throw things into it. We're in space, so we can't really talk about the weather - we talk about tacos instead. We go back to Earth. Oh no! We've somehow gone back in time! We settle down on the planet and live on a dinosaur farm as we rebuild society.
But probably we'll just go bowling or something.
I had a dream the other night:
They formed a new Minor league football league, and the Bloods and the Crips were two of the teams. I played on the Bloods' team for some reason. I was the best player in the league, naturally, because I always knew which play to do, since I could see the future. Anyway, the Crips said, Yo! That is whack! We want Brian on our team! And the Bloods said, No! He's ours! Shizzle! So I said, You guys can share me! It'll be fun! So they agreed, and they started sharing other things too! In time, their differences waned, and they merged and became the Purple Gang!
That's just the kind of person I am: I dream of making the world a better place. Then I wake up and play World of Warcraft.
Look, here's the bottom line: I may not be perfect, but at least I won't pee on you! I'm looking forward to hearing from you!. I am searching sex.
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